she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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