apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
