I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
