A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
