I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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