I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
