Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
