All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
