we have pet lesbian snakes
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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