In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the day after is always just damage control
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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