dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
zippers are such a cool invention
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
