i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
