I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
