I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ambien. No doubt about it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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