Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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