just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
