No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize