Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dear god my vagina.
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