I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
