I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
