the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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