I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
