You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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