either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
