how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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