they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
that may or may not have been my penis.
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