She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
