I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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