I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I did not marry a roomba.
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