Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
