I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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