It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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