I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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