Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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