I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
