Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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