It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
