New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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