Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
