Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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