well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
