The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
