my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
