dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
