did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
