My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
