4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
