I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
