So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
