So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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