I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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