the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
