That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
