We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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