we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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