i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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