Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
