Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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