what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
