He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
