Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
