***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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